getting a jump on my resolutions

feeling safe

There's a security in knowing someone's downstairs.

No one is for ten days.

Nicholas Petron

Nicholas Petron (listen...seriously, do)

...This happened to a lot of immigrant families. I know it happened to mine. Though, not in the same way. It makes me sad to think of all they went through to make a better life for their families, only for them to wind up fragmented. I'm sure a lot of the older generation wish they had left well enough alone. Even if their situation wasn't perfect, at least they were all together.

what's the point?

Why look into the past when you're not even willing to explore the present?

they're growing up

After my last post, I did indeed fall back to sleep, not waking until after 8 a.m. Normally, that's the time we're supposed to be at my sister's house to watch my niece and nephew open their gifts, but my niece is now 13 and my nephew 22, and they like to sleep in, and so we got to as well.

My niece is at that age when she's pulling away, wanting to be her own person and hang out with her friends instead of the likes of us. It's one thing to understand it but another to not be hurt by it. Well, maybe hurt isn't the proper word. I just miss hanging out with my buddy.

Luckily, holidays are kinda obligatory days when you have to spend time with your family whether you want to or not (unless you're my younger sister, I guess), and so I finally got some quality time with her, and actually, with my favorite nephew too (her cousin).

My niece and I started a new tradition two years ago of making the pierogi for Christmas Eve's dinner at my Mom's. Pierogi is like a ravioli, but with mashed potato stuffing, and it comes from our Ukranian roots. My nephew expressed an interest in learning to make them, and so he joined us this year too. Here's a short video from our time together. My favorite part is their smirks after I cracked a corny joke.



Yeah, I know they just humor me sometimes, but I also know I'm still their favorite aunt. I was always the one to play games with them and take them places, spending a lot of one-on-one time with them. And I like to think I've been a good influence and set a good example of how they should live their lives and treat other people.

Over the holidays, I got a glimpse of what my niece will be like in the future, and while it's hard to let the little girl go, I couldn't be prouder of who she is becoming, and I look forward to watching her come into her own.

Family togetherness

Hope your time with family has been bearable up to this point in the holiday festivities and that there was a little sparkle that made it all worthwhile.

We've had a good time so far. Though, there were some bumps along the way, like my younger sister and her husband not showing up at all...was hoping she wouldn't have kept being so stubborn (she and Mom haven't been speaking since a fight back in June). My oldest sister is bound to call her and give her a piece of her mind. Should be interesting to see how that all turns out...NOT. Personally, I was gonna try a more peaceful approach to getting them back on speaking terms, but hey, maybe a little yelling will work out better. Dead silence sure hasn't.

One of my other sisters and her husband managed to call on skype and share Christmas with us via webcam. Though, mysteriously, every time it was their turn to pick their gifts during the gift exchange, the connection suddenly went dead, which held up an already long process. Though, in the end, it was all worth it, as she, who was #15 in order, was the first one to steal a gift, making it all so much more fun. I, on the other hand, was #2 and totally forgot that you had to announce the steal BEFORE picking a gift. Otherwise, I would've stolen just to get the ball rolling. Instead, I'm stuck with a small suitcase that I really don't need.

As has come tradition, I slept over my mother's house last night. Sometimes, I feel my singleness the most at that time. While other family members are off to some other gathering or to spend time with just their own family, I am stuck alone in front of the tv, because Mom inevitably goes up to bed within 30 minutes of their leaving, worn out from all the preparations. And to top it off, my dog, who usually sleeps with me, betrays me by sticking by my mother's side and totally forgetting my existence, the little shit.

Oh well, it's onto more family fun today...after catching a few more zzzzzz's, that is.

The Forgotten People

I had the privilege of attending a dance the other night. It happens once every couple of months, and the joy that can be seen on each of the attendees' faces can't help but touch your heart.

The County puts on these dances for a special population...those with disabilities. Though you can't always tell from the dance floor that they're disabled. They dance with such a freedom and zeal that I actually envy them in a way. And if you watched them for awhile and saw how they interacted, how they didn't care if the person they danced with was short or tall, thin or fat, cute or ugly, or even used a walker, you'd be a little envious too.

My friends' 30-year-old daughter is one of the special population. Laura was born with Downs Syndrome, and I can't tell you how much this type of event means to her...or to the people who love her.

From what I understand, the state is only required to provide educational programs for this special population until they are 21. After that, they and their families are on their own. Often, depending on their capabilities, they are either shuttered in darkened warehouses, repetitively putting things together as a form of employment, or they are left to sit in their house all day with nowhere to go and no one to interact with. Out of sight, out of mind.

I'm proud to say that my County offers these people, who are usually overlooked, special programs and events. Besides the dances, they also have weekly bowling parties and a summer camp, among other things. For many of those like Laura, these are the only opportunities they have to socialize once they are an adult, and they excitedly count down the days until the next event.

In the current economic climate, it would be so easy for the Government to cut out these programs. After all, the majority of folks don't even know of their existence, let alone realize how important they are to the people who take advantage of them. But luckily, Laura and her friends have a champion to fight for them...a politician who, even though he has moved on to a different position, doesn't let them be forgotten. He brings the influential people to see for themselves how important these programs are. And once seen, it's hard for them not to want to do whatever they can to keep them going.

Politicians often get a bad rap. It's nice to see that some of them really are in it to do their best for those they represent, even those who don't have a big voice. They should be commended for what they do.

RIP Gibby

Just found out that one of my special people passed away, and he did so over a month ago.

Why did it take so long to find out? Well, he was one of those people I met through online backgammon, and even though we hadn't talked directly in a couple years, I often heard updates about him through friends who had. Those friends had been trying to contact him through both e-mails that bounced back, and phone numbers that went unanswered.  As the days passed by, they were getting more and more concerned. Today, they found out that their concerns weren't for naught when they came across his obituary online.

When I first heard the news, my first thoughts were for a dear friend of mine, who I had introduced to Gibby, and who later became extremely close to him. Even though thousands of miles separated them, they were closer than most best friends. I knew she would be devastated.

Online friendships are strange in that often, the families of those people don't know of the existence of the people online. Or even if they do, they don't know how to get in contact with them. So, when something like a sudden illness or, as in this case, a death occurs, you don't find out until it's too late. Or maybe you never find out at all.

When I was more involved online, I made a point of putting contact information for all of my online friends in a sealed envelope, along with all my financial info, and gave it to my mother with a note that it should be opened if anything should happen to me. That's how close I was to them at that time.

In Gibby's case, I don't think he told his wife about his online friends. I'm sure there were reasons for that, but it left us out in the cold, wondering what had happened to him.

Gibby, as he was known online, was a fun-loving guy. He had a hearty laugh and a funny sense of humor. He worked as a rocket scientist of sorts, helping to make missiles, and he often called my friend and me from the lab where he worked, which he probably could have gotten into a lot of trouble for, since most of the work he did was top-secret.

Gibby had this deep, sexy voice, which he always liked to tease me with whenever he called. He enjoyed playing instruments, especially the drums, and he took great pride in the fact that he was finally able to convince all his nerdy co-workers into growing goatees and wearing Hawaiian shirts to work.

Gibby was also a very caring man. When I was suddenly taken ill with an inflamed pancreas a few years back and stuck in the hospital for a week, he, along with a couple of my other online friends, sent me a big bouquet of flowers and notes with well wishes.

Gibby, you sure were one-of-a-kind, and I hope we meet up again one day (just not too soon...I'm sure you understand...lol).**

the morning after

That's my car under all that snow, and there's actually another car next to it. Seems to be at least 20" of snow. Gonna be a day of back-breaking shoveling fun. And that after I already twisted my back when I fell to my knees while taking Murray out to relieve himself (I was trying to catch him before he ran out into the plowed street and over to "visit" the neighbor who was shoveling)

It was the highest amount of snow to fall in December and the 2nd highest of all time in recorded history (in our area anyway).

preparing for...

...a nice lazy day playing and vegging out

what do you do?

A crying/screaming kid is being carried away in a parking lot. What do you do?

This dilemma challenged me a couple weeks ago. I heard her crying even before I left my house to walk Murray. Sounded to me like she was throwing a fit, as kids are wont to do at that age. When we rounded the corner, I saw that she was being held by a guy across the street, near where there is a strip of stores, including restaurants. I assumed it was her father, but just being thrust into the situation, I had no way of knowing for sure. I also had no way of knowing if I should get involved, or just let the "father" take care of it.

Murray was starting to growl and give off little barks, which is what he tends to do when presented with a situation outside the norm. This kind of limited my options, as with all the racket the little girl was already putting on, pulling a snarling dog over to ask if I could help didn't seem the most smart thing to do. But no one else was around, and if this girl was actually being abducted and not just throwing a fit, there was no one else who could save her.

The guy crossed the street towards me, heading for the parking lot, the child still screaming in his arms. I kept looking around, waiting for a mother to fly out from one of the stores or restaurants looking for her missing daughter.  As no one did, I decided to assume the guy was related to the girl and didn't intercede. I chose instead to lift up a prayer to God and let him handle it.

It bothered me for awhile afterwards, wondering if I had done the right thing. I kept checking the news for reports of kidnapped kids, but nothing came to light. So, maybe in this case, it really was just a kid throwing a fit, but what if it had turned out to be the other situation and I had done nothing?

Have you ever experienced a similar situation, and if so, what did you do?

just the way it is

November 4

Subject: "well, that explains it"

"huh?
lol - all I got was the subject line!
too funny.
this explains NOTHING!"

Subject: "Why we keep losing touch"


December 15

"hey - i finally get what you meant by "that explains it".
LMAO - ok ok - i'm a little slow... ok - maybe a lot slow these days. I'll blame it on the cold sinking in? that's about as lame an excuse as I can come up with."

--------

...from an email exchange with one of those "special people" I mentioned in an earlier post. On October 13, I wrote her this really long, I mean like 2-page long, email catching her up on what's been going on in my life since the last time we really spoke for any length of time (she's the one who asked for it). A week went by, no response. Two weeks, nothing. Three weeks, starting to get ticked off. A month...couldn't keep quiet any longer.


Most other people, I'd be saying, "Screw You." But her? Well, she's forgiven. She's one of those "special people" after all.

who knew...

...Tofurky Italian Sausage could taste so good? I didn't. And I have to admit, I was a little leery about taking that first bite, but man, was it ever so good.

Infidelity

...everyone seems to be talking about it because of the Tiger Woods scandal. It even came up in a discussion at lunch with a couple of my co-workers last week. Mary (not her real name) said that she could forgive her husband a one-night stand, because people are human and can make bad choices. This is the second time she has said this to me, and just the way she says it has me wondering if maybe she has had a one-night stand herself, and that's why she thinks she could be so forgiving.

Personally, I don't think anyone knows how they will really react, whether they are the one tempted to cheat or the one who was cheated upon, until it happens to them. There are too many variables.

I never thought I would cheat with someone, nor did I think that I could live with someone who had cheated on me. I've never experienced the latter, but I have been darn close to the former. If circumstances had been different, I know I would have.

It started out innocently enough. I responded to a "friends wanted ad," just as a lark. It was an unusual ad and didn't really have anything to do with asking for friends. From what I recall, he just made a statement, and I replied in a joking manner. He responded, and emails flew back and forth from there.

When we discovered we were only 20 minutes apart, we decided to meet in the middle. Sure, I knew he was married, but it was just coffee, right? And his wife knew we were meeting, so what could be more innocent?

That meeting was benign, but our future correspondence was not. It escalated. I was lonely, and he made me feel good about myself. The more we got to know each other, the more I was coming up with justifications why it would be okay to have an affair.

We planned another meeting, somewhere in public, though, because we knew we'd be tempted to do something we shouldn't. We chose a local farmer's market, and when I saw him approaching in the distance, I noticed he brought a boy with him. Strange, I thought, why would he bring his son, especially since we knew our meeting would be sexually charged, if our recent emails were any indication.

As they got closer, I realized that it couldn't be his son, he was too old. Surprise...it was his wife, a very dyke-looking wife. He introduced us, and the three of us walked around for awhile. After the initial shock, it was actually quite comfortable. We even stopped at the local coffee shop and chatted for awhile.

You'd think that after meeting his wife and liking her that that would've stopped me from going any further with her husband. Yeah, you'd think. But no. The only thing I can say is, thank God (and I really do believe it was him) for all the obstacles that were thrown in our way.

Eventually, we went our separate ways, but that experience taught me that no one is beyond temptation if the circumstances are right. I'm no longer quick to judge someone who actually goes through with it.

And before anyone from the peanut gallery suggests it, yes, in looking back now, I can see that there was a possibility that maybe they, as a couple, were looking for someone who would be willing to be with both of them. And who knows, maybe at that time, I wouldn't have been above that either. Guess we'll never know.

Special People - Part 2

I really shouldn't have left this unfinished the other night, because I kinda lost my momentum, but let's see if I can get it back by forcing my fingers to move along the keyboard. I know I was heading towards talking about a magical time in my life from just a couple years ago, when I spent a lot of my waking hours online and met some really special people, one of which got in touch with me just the other day. He's the real reason I started on this subject. But I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Online backgammon was my drug of choice back then, and the people I met there just fed my addiction. I think we were that for each other, really. We probably filled voids that we didn't even know we had...or wouldn't admit to.

There was the guy I fell in love with, and the one who fell in love with me. Neither worked out, but to explain why would take too long. I'm glad I met both of them, but they fall into the category of people I want to stay as a pleasant memory.

Most of the other people I met online during that time, both male and female, fall into the other category. Even though we all lost our online addiction around the same time and don't keep in touch regularly, there's still a bond there. It's 5-6 years later, and we still seek each other out from time-to-time. And with them, unlike with my childhood friends, I really am happy to hear from them, and vice versa. I know that sounds strange, since there were only a couple I actually met in person, but if you were there, you'd understand.

As for the guy who contacted me the other day, well, it'll sound a little stalkerish, but one weekend I drove five hours each way to surprise him with a visit at the old-fashioned bowling alley he used to own. It wasn't a love thing. We were just like brother and sister and loved teasing each other. I started teasing him about coming for a visit, and the more he said I wouldn't have the courage to, the more I really wanted to do it just to prove him wrong. And one weekend I really did (with a chaperone, mind you...I'm not that nuts...lol). He knew it was me as soon as I walked through the door. His face was priceless. We had a great visit and even played a game of backgammon, in person for a change.

So, what about you? Who are those people who hold a special place in your heart?

can you ever go back?

Yes and no.

In the end, while it's nice to think about things in the past, it's the present, the here and now, that's important. The past was just there to bring you to this point.

Special People - Part 1

Do you have people who hold a special place in your heart due to the time they came into your life? You may not see or talk to them much, or maybe not at all, but there they are, still in your heart.

Sometimes you seek them out. Sometimes they're the ones doing the seeking. And sometimes, you'd rather they just stay a pleasant memory.

My childhood friends fall into the latter category. I chose to leave them behind. I had my reasons at the time, and even though I can't necessarily remember those reasons now, I have no urge to welcome them back into my life. A couple of them think it should be otherwise, however, and periodically, they will try to contact me, in whatever technology is available at the time. And when they do, I always wonder why they keep trying, especially since I keep ignoring them. It's not like I'm that great of a person, someone so memorable that you can't live without.

Why can't they just move on, find some new friends among the millions of people out there? Why can't they stop living in the past or trying to recreate it? I'm not the same person who they knew back then. Heck, I'm not even the same person I was just 5 years ago.

The funny things is, as much as they annoy me with their persistence, I sometimes do the same thing or don't mind it with other people.

(to be continued)

2009, a year in review

I spent a lot of 2009 exploring the world with my camera. Well, my little corner of it, anyway.

In the Winter, I explored many abandoned buildings, one visit of which was shortened by a cop, who wasn't...ummmm...let's just say, too pleased to find me there.

In the Spring, I explored El Paso, where my sister Patti lives. She wasn't kidding when she said March was really windy there. I almost blew away a time or two. As is always the case with Patti, I had a fun-filled time, and her rottweiler, Diesel, even let me in the house once or twice without peeing on me.

In the Summer, I explored my backyard garden in a photo-a-week project I undertook to see how the scenery would change over a year. Most of the changes actually took place in the background, though, not in the garden itself, what with my neighbors moving their broken down cars and other junk back there.

In the Fall, I explored my new home town. My dog Murray and I have never walked so much, and we've made a lot of new acquaintances too, maybe Murray more so than me. Within two days of moving here, he met a blonde (Lacey), a redhead (Ginger), and a brunette (Hazel). I, on the other hand, met Chuck (an older, pipe-smoking gent), Marc (who told me his whole life story within 20 minutes of meeting), an angry Chinese man (who's constantly yelling outside his restaurant at night), and a woman (who Murray uncharacteristically took an instant disliking to, and who my readers think might be a werewolf in disguise who I should avoid when there's a full moon).

Overall, it's been a wonderful year, full of changes I didn't see coming. And now, I'm looking forward to exploring new places in 2010.